Vala Goes to Atlantis
by evil-jeannie75
Summary: Vala Mal Doran goes to Atlantis and wreaks havoc on the lives of those who live there. First up, Rodney shows Vala one of the city's oddest creatures. Crossover with Stargate SG1
1. Vala Meets the Furry Creature of Doom

Disclaimer: I own neither Stargate SG-1 nor Stargate Atlantis.

* * *

"You see the structure of the creature. Tall and messy. What I find most interesting about it is that it never moves. Nothing brings it down, wind, rain, snow, gunpowder. Always the same shape and what appears to be the same texture."

Vala Mal Doran and Rodney McKay bent down to look eye level at the creature in question. Vala noted that the creature has not changed since the last time she saw it, nor had it changed from the time before that.

She leaned in close to smell the creature. It smelled like spice. "Does it always have the same smell?"

"I don't know, I've never gotten close enough to smell it, nor would I want to," Rodney snarked.

"So what is it some sort of a parasite that has attached itself to a host?" Vala asked.

"You can think of it that way."

"And has it harmed the host in anyway?"

"Well, the host is still mildly sentient, so I would say not. It would be my guess that this creature has been attached to the host for a long time."

"I wonder how much a creature like this would go for on the black market?" Vala wondered out loud.

"I thought you were supposed to be the expert on all things unlawful and criminal?" Rodney smirked.

"I am."

"And you don't know how much something like this is worth?"

"I've never run into a creature like this before," Vala explained. "Besides, I'm not sure if it would be worth anything."

"What do you mean not worth anything?" Rodney scoffed. "I've told you all it could do!"

"Yes, but a parasite that attaches itself to a host and continues to hold its shape, size, and texture would not be worth much of anything on the black market. Does it do anything else?"

"Other than take up space…not really. However, there was that one incident when…" Rodney was cut off by a knock on the conference room window.

"Dr. McKay, may I speak with you for a moment?" a very angry-looking Laura Cadman asked Atlantis's chief science officer.

"Not now, Cadman. I'm busy."

"I can see that," Laura said narrowing her eyes at Vala and Rodney. "Come find me when you've finished the _kirking_."

McKay's face turned red with anger and his nostrils began to flare. Vala leaned back against the conference room table and prepared for what she thought would be an interesting show.

"First of all, Lieutenant, I do not _kirk_. That's Sheppard's job. Secondly, if I were to _kirk_, which I'm not saying I would, it would not be with her," Rodney emphasized this point by gesturing towards Vala.

Vala pretended to be put out by McKay's utterance, but she was secretly pleased. Whatever this _kirking-_thing was, it certainly was a sore spot between both Lieutenant Cadman and Dr. McKay, which made the show even more entertaining. Vala fought the urge to rub her hands together with glee. She must find out what this _kirking_-thing was. Maybe it was something she could use to tease Daniel.

"...and thirdly, when I tell you that I'm busy, it means that I am busy and do not want to be bothered. Can't you understand that or is your pea-sized military grunt brain unable to comprehend and retain that fact?"

"You son-of-a-bitch! Let me tell you something McKay, if you think for one minute that you can…" It was unfortunate that at moment, Lieutenant Cadman's tirade against Dr. McKay had been cut off by the closing of the conference room door. Vala frowned. At least she could watch. It was like one of those silent pictures that Daniel always went on about.

Vala could see them both gesturing wildly. All of Atlantis's gateroom was watching the pair's argument. She tried to read their lips, but unfortunately they spoke so fast that it was very difficult to pick out any one word. She was, however, able to hear a few words hear and there, but not enough to help her figure out what the argument was about. The words she was able to pick out were, 'bitch,' 'asshole,' 'dickhead,' and 'bastard.' All of which, after spending some time with both of them, she was sure they used towards each other on a daily basis. It was all very romantic, actually.

Dr. McKay walked back in to the conference room, his face red with anger and his nostrils still flaring. He slammed his fist on the table and muttered something about stupid tap-dancing explosives experts and how they were ruining the expedition and his life. Vala wasn't sure was that was all about. She'd have to ask Daniel.

"Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, just a little spat. She'll get over it," Rodney said casually.

"I'm sure she will. The question is, will you?"

'What?"

Vala rolled her eyes. What is it with brilliant men and their inability to understand simple concepts of socialization?

"Why don't you just ask her out on a date? That is what human males do, is it not? At least normal human males anyway," Vala said.

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh, come off it, Dr. McKay," Vala said laughing. "It is obvious that you are attracted to Lieutenant. Cadman."

"I am not attracted to Lieutenant Cadman!"

"You're pupils dilated three quarters of a centimeter when she walked into the room. Isn't pupil dilation a sign of attraction among humans? Arousal maybe?"

"Okay, so I'm attracted to Lieutenant Cadman. Who wouldn't be? I'm also attracted to you. You don't see me asking you out do you?"

"That is because you do not have feelings for me," Vala said matter-of-factly. "You should act on them."

"So now I have feelings for Lieutenant Cadman?" Rodney laughed. "You're here for what two minutes and you're already given me advice on my love life?"

"Or lack there of," Vala said under her breath.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Rodney started up. Vala cut him off.

"All I'm saying is you have feelings for her and she obviously has feelings for you. If you were to act on your feelings, the both of you would be a lot happier."

"Even if I had feelings for her which I'm not saying that I do, I wouldn't act on them."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?"

"You do speak English don't you Rodney. Because in the English language 'why' is a question word generally used when someone wants an explanation as to the reason that things are. For example, in this case it is used for questioning the reason that you will not act on your feelings for your resident explosives expert and instead deny them, when they are so blatant."

"I do not have…"

"Are you happy?"

"What?"

"Are you happy?" Vala repeated.

"I'm content."

"Well, maybe if you were to act on your feelings the both of you would be happy??"

Rodney was about to make a sarcastic comment when the host moved. He grabbed Vala's arm.

Vala was surprised, "What's happening?"

"We've got to go."

"Why?"

"He's waking up."

'What? Why's he waking up? That's no fun."

"You're big mouth woke him up!" Rodney said.

"My big mouth??" Vala said loudly.

Rodney covered her mouth with his free hand. "Move!"

They walked out of the conference room. Vala was rubbing her arm. "You didn't have to squeeze my arm so hard. That hurt!"

"Quit your whining!"

"I will not," Vala said. She stood in front of Rodney and got in his face. "And just to get you back, I am going to tell Lieutenant Cadman that you have a crush on her," she said childishly poking him in the chest.

"Hey Vala, Carson has some mice in his lab that you could go see. He uses them for all of his evil experiments."

Vala jumped up and down forgetting about her threat to Rodney. "I love furry creatures," she said rubbing her hands together in glee. "Lead the way."

"Anything you say, yenta," Rodney said.

"What's a yenta?"

"How'd you know it was three quarters of a centimeter?"

"It's a skill."

"You're a good liar."

"Also a skill, but even _you_ have to admit that it's kind of a turn on," she winking.

Rodney grunted and muttered something about 'stupid wannabe girlfriends of descended archeologist who have a yenta complex' as they walked off to the infirmary.

Back in the conference room, a dozing John Sheppard awoke from his nap. He looked around and saw that the room was empty. "Where'd everybody go?"


	2. Vala Makes Some Furry Friends

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate SG-1 or Stargate Atlantis.

* * *

"Now Madison, it is important to remember that men are like toys…very easy to play with. All that is needed is a sashay of the hips and batting of the eyes and you can have Oscar here wrapped around your little claw. Another thing to remember is…." Daniel Jackson comes in.

"Hey, Vala, what's up?"

"Dr. McKay is letting me play with some of Dr. Beckett's mice. This is Oscar and this is Madison," Vala said pointing each mouse out to Daniel. "Or is that one Oscar and that one Madison. I can't remember." Vala reached into the cage and picked one of the mice up so she could tell which one is which. "This one is defiantly Oscar," Vala said. She put Oscar gently down in the cage and looked at Daniel who seemed to be pondering something.

"Yes?"

"You said that that one was Oscar and that one was Madison?"

"Yes."

"Oscar and Madison?" Daniel said chuckling. "Oscar Madison. The Odd Couple of course."

Vala looked confused.

"Oscar Madison from The Odd Couple," Daniel said and it appeared that Vala still didn't understand the humor of it. "The Odd Couple was a television show from the seventies. These two guys Oscar Madison and Felix Unger were roommates. Oscar was a total slob and Felix was a neat freak."

"Were they homosexual?" Vala asked interested.

"No, they were roommates."

"But why would they live together if they were not homosexual?"

"I don't know. They liked to," Daniel said. "Anyway, Oscar was such a slob and it drove Felix crazy. The same with Felix's neatness, it drove Oscar insane."

"Let me get this straight. These two very different guys, who are not homosexual, lived together for a period of time and drove each other completely mad."

"Exactly," Daniel said snapping his fingers.

"So you're saying that opposites attract?"

"Right."

"Kind of like you and I?" Vala said picking Madison up out of the cage.

"Well, I wouldn't say that…."

"Oh, come on. So are you saying that you are not attracted to me?" Vala said setting Madison on the table. Madison took Vala's moment of distraction to scurry away.

"No, of course I'm attracted to you, I just….Hey, isn't that one of the mice running across the floor?"

Vala looked down at the table and noticed that Madison was gone. "I think it is."

Just then, Carson comes into his lab. "What are you two doing in here?"

"Well, Dr. Beckett, Daniel and I were admiring the mice that you have," Vala said.

"Yes, they are fine specimens aren't they?" Carson said cheerfully.

"Those mice don't have any scary, contagious infectious diseases do they?" Vala asked.

"Nay. Just got 'em in from the Daedulus this morning."

"Good, because Daniel here," Vala said patting Daniel on the shoulder. "accidentally let one of the mice go. The female one."

"Do you have any idea how long it's going to take me to get another mouse??" Carson's face started to get red. "Go! Both of you!"

"See that's what you get for saying that you weren't attracted to me," Vala said as they walked away from the infirmary.

"I said that I was attracted to you. I just…"

"You just what? Don't think we're compatible? Aren't ready to be involved in a relationship? If you ask me that's much worse than finding me unattractive."

Daniel was about to object Vala put her hand on his cheek, "Don't worry, darling. I won't hold your stupidity against you…yet. However, until you come to your senses, I think that I'm going to have to find someone else to play with…perhaps Colonel Sheppard. He is after all very good at _kirking_," Vala said with a wink before going off to find the Colonel.

It took Daniel a few moments to comprehend the meaning of what she said. "Oh, crap!"


	3. Vala and Captain Kirk

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis.

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"Colonel! Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard!" Vala called as she ran through one of the corridors of Atlantis.

John slowed down when he heard her shouting his name. Obviously, she like McKay didn't quite grasp the concept that people just didn't want to be around them much. Not that they were bad people because they weren't. They were just very, very annoying.

John sighed. She had been chasing him for quite a while. He decided to be nice and slow down. After all, if he was nice to Vala now, he didn't have to be nice to McKay later. He only had to be nice once a day. It's some sort of a Lantean rule or something.

"Did you not hear me calling your name for the last five minutes?" Vala asked catching up to him.

"Uh, gotta go. Vala's here," John said pretending to be on his comm. "I'm sorry. What were you saying?"

"I was saying that I've been calling you for the last five minutes and you…never mind. Tell me, Colonel, was it an important call?"

"What? Oh, that? Yeah. McKay's about to set fire to Zelenka's hair again. Apparantly, the Czech made some rude, but true comments about he and a certain tap dancing explosives expert if you know what I mean and I've been trying to sort out the mess."

"And this happened just now?"

"Just now."

"Really?" Vala did not believe John one bit. She crossed her arms over her chest. "Then, tell me something, Colonel, why is it that Dr. McKay is right over there and looks as if nothing is wrong? Rodney? Oh, Rodney? Could you come here please?" Vala called.

"What are you doing?" John whispered.

"I want to find out what happened in the silence lad, silly. No offense or anything, but you are a horrible storyteller. McKay is much better. His hands wave in the air, his nostrils flare, and his face gets red. It's really all quite entertaining."

"What am I better at?"

"Storytelling, but that's only part of the reason I called you over here."

"Oh, what's the other part?"

"Tell me what Dr. Zelenka said about you and Lieutenant Cadman. Was it dirty? Did you blush? Tell me. Tell me. Tell me!"

"He what? I'll kill him!"

"Rodney, calm down a second," John said placing a hand on the scientists forearm. He turned to Vala. "Vala, I was lying when I said that I was on the comm. with Rodney. The story I made up was a lie."

"You made up the story about the comm.. because you were really ignoring me?" Vala had tears brimming in her eyes.

"I'm really sorry, Vala." Oh, crap! She looked like she was about ready to cry. "Let me make it up to you."

"You would do that?" she said softly.

"Yeah, I would."

"Really?"

"Just name it."

"Tell me what _kirking_ is," Vala said brightening immediately. "Is it some sort of a game we can play?"

Both Rodney and John broke into coughing fits.

"What?" John sputtered.

"_Kirking_? I heard Lieutenant Cadman mention it earlier or rather accuse Rodney of _kirking_ with me and he said that _kirking_ is your specialty, so I want to know, what is _kirking_?"

"Why don't you take this one Rodney?"

"Hey, I was the one who had to have the underwear talk with Ronon. The _kirking_ talk is yours. Besides, you have practical, personal experience in that department."

John took a deep breath, "Have you ever seen Star Trek?"

"Yeah."

"Well, on Star Trek, the captain of the Enterprise is Captain Kirk, right?"

"Duh!"

John rolled his eyes and continued. "Basically, throughout the series, Kirk would always hook up with the hot alien chicks that he came across on the planets they visited. That's why in sci-fi, whenever a guy hooks up with a hot alien chick, it's called _kirking_."

"So I'm a hot alien chick?"

"Yes, Vala, you are a hot alien chick. Now, if you two idiots are done discussing the year 1967 can we please start heading over to the 'mess before all the good stuff is taken?" Rodney whined.

"Are you asking us to lunch, Rodney?" Vala teased.

"Yes, I believe I am…and only for the reason that I want to know what you did to make Carson cry."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Vala said innocently.

"Just like you had no idea that Sheppard was lying about the comm. conversation?"

"Wait! You knew?"

"Shall we, gentleman?" Vala said as she hooked each of their arms with hers and they headed towards the commissary with Vala humming "We're Off to See the Wizard" from The Wizard of Oz.


End file.
